Mispacha Memories

I wrote this April 25, 2008. Now in 2020, I remember our daughter Diane,  my sister Carolyn, our parents and grandparents, and all the our many relatives and friends who have passed away. We treasure our memories!

When I retired from Optometry in 1996, I started to up-date the family tree that was made by Joe Friedman, I began to search for more family information, and that led to a continuing interest in Genealogy. Genealogy is a long term pursuit, because the search is never completed. It was a slow process for me to get the information.

Arthur Kurtzweil wrote about Jewish Genealogy. “there is a deep thirst among American Jews to discover their Jewish roots.” “For me Genealogy is a spiritual pilgrimage…It is a search for Meaning…Genealogical research can be a painful activity… Genealogy can be a life-changing activity…this pursuit is in some ways a mission”. “Those of us who are involved with Jewish family history will surely be seen, in generations to come, as vital links between past and future”. (Introduction)

I am writing this  account of the history of my Mispacha (extended family), so it will be there, whenever my children, grandchildren and relatives want it in the future. It will be there for any of their children. “He has a great future, for he understands the past”( or she).  (Heinrich Heine, quoted by Kurtzweil, 517)

My four grandparents, my father, and many of their relatives, immigrated to America from Europe, which was a difficult, courageous,  and wonderful  adventure for them.  I have recorded part of the story of the lives of my extended family.

Abraham Gannes, Childhood in a Shtetl, began one chapter with Deuteronomy 32:6, “Remember the days of old, Consider the years of many generations, Ask thy father and he will declare unto thee, Thine elders and they will tell thee”. (34) It is too late for me to ask my father and grandfathers, but I have put together this record about them and their family.

Daniel Mendelsohn, The Lost, wrote: “you decide, suddenly, that it’s important to let your children know where they came from – you need the information that people you once knew always had to give you, if only you’d asked. But by the time you think to ask, it’s too late”. (73)

Rabbi Steinsaltz, The Thirteen Petalled Rose, wrote  “But, one never really extricates oneself from the context of the issue, Who am I? And from its corollaries: Where do I come from? Where am I going”? What for? Why? (103)  Genealogy answers it.

“I do not  want anything to happen in Jewish History without it happening to me.” (Eli Weisel, quoted by Kurtzweil, Introduction)  October 7, 1991, King Juan Carlos of Spain was awarded the Elie Weisel Foundation Humanitarian Award, and Elie Weisel in his address, began this way: “As a Jew, I am committed to the memory of our  history, the history of Israel and therefore to its right to live and fulfill its destiny in security and peace. As a good Jew I believe in the obligation to remember”. (Trudi Alexy, 300)

Elie Weisel wrote the Foreward to the book by Arthur Kurtzweil, including: “In Jewish history a name has it own history and its own memory. It connects beings to their origins….it is to undertake a passionate and enriching quest for all those who may live in your name. Arthur Kutzweil’s book “shows us that each name is a mysterious call transmitted from generation to generation in order to force themselves to question the meaning of their survival”.

Arthur Kurtzweil in his Introduction quotes Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz “Judaism is not just a matter of individual commitment. However personal one’s involvement may be, Judaism always entails a linkup with the past and future generations”. Carolynn and I heard Rabbi Steinsaltz lecture at SFJCC in 2007.

A prayer by Mordecai Kaplan, E. Kohn, I Eisenstein, read in the Yom Kippur Memorial Service: “We are sustained and comforted by the thought that the goodness which they brought into our lives remains an enduring blessing which we can bequeath to our descendants. We can still serve our departed by serving You. We can show our devotion to them by our devotion to those ideals which they cherished”. (New Mahzor, 571) I am very aware of the chain of generations, as I am half way between the lives of my great grandparents and my grandchildren.

The Yizkor (memorial service). Which  is said four times a year, includes the following.

“This day in sacred convocation we remember those who gave us life.” “We remember those who enriched our lives with love and beauty, kindness and compassion, thoughtfulness and understanding.”  “May we live unselfishly, in truth and love and peace, so that we will be remembered as a blessing, as we this day lovingly remember those whose lives endure as a blessing.

The L’dor v’dor prayer, in many Services, says “Unto all generations we will declare thy greatness…” ( The Standard Prayer Book, 256)  Another translation  is “from generation to generation”.  

The Avot Blessing, at the beginning of the Amidah prayer service, says “Praised are You, O Lord our God and  God of our ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah,… You are abundantly kind, O Creator of all, Remembering the piety of our ancestors, You lovingly bring redemption to their children’s children”. (MahzorHadash, 425)  

A more contemporary translation of this prayer, says “ You remember the merits of our ancestors, And lovingly offer redemption to their descendants, In accordance with Your great name”. (Mahzor Hadash, 891)

There are other prayers after the Shema prayer, that speak of the generations.

“The Lord said to Moses: Instruct the people of Israel that in every generation they shall put fringes on the corners of their garments….”  “We will never cease thanking You, recounting Your praises for all generations.”  “You are … the Shield of our salvation in every generation.”

The bible says  “One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh; And the earth abideth forever. The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down…” Rabbi Ezray said this statement about the sun is to mean that “an ending is a beginning”. (Ecclesiastes, 1.- 4., 5.)

In The Five People You Meet In Heaven, the main character, who dies at age  82,  meets his wife who died long before him at age 47. His wife says: “Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them  food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end, she said. Love doesn’t”. (Mitch Albom, 173)

In For One More Day, near the beginning: “But every family is a ghost story. The dead sit at our tables long after they have gone.”…”Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be there forever’? Near the ending: “But what family isn’t a ghost story”? “ Sharing tales of those we’ve lost is how we keep from really losing them.” (Mitch Albom, 2., 197)

Billy Crystal, in a 2004  interview said this about his first grandchild, a girl: “The baby has filled up a great place for me that’s been sad for a couple of years now because of the loss of my mom. I also understand better how life works – unfortunately, some of us have to leave to make more room for somebody else”.

Memory and remembrance are immortalized in many songs. These are a few of my favorites

Irving Berlin wrote “The Song Is Ended, But the melody lingers on, You and the song are gone, But the melody lingers on”.

Bob Hope’s theme song was Thanks For The Memories.

Once In Awhile: “I know that I’d be contented with yesterdays’s memory, Knowing you think of me once in awhile”.

Once Upon A Time: “Once Upon A Time we sat beneath a willow tree, Counting all the stars and waiting for the dawn, But that was once upon a time, Now the tree is gone. …Everything was ours, How happy we were then, But some-how Once-Up-On A Time never comes again”.

Dean Martin had a hit recording: He sang the title phrase “Memories Are Made of That”, and the chorus followed with “The Memories You Gave To Me”.

Try To Remember: “try to remember when life was so tender that dreams were kept beside your pillow”.

I Remember You:

“I remember you,
You’re the one who made my dreams come true
A few
Kisses ago
When my life is through,
And the angels ask me to recall,
The thrill of them all,
Then I shall tell them I remember you”.

The Dash
by Linda Ellis 1996

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

Epilogue (Added in 2023)

Forging the Intergenerational Self

Rabbi Berkman wrote about the Torah Deuteronomy 26:5010, “The Israelites shall recite ‘My father was a wandering Aramean’. He went down to Egypt few in number…The Lord freed us from Egypt…. He brought us to this land, a land flowing with milk and honey. And I now bring the first fruits of the soil which You, O LORD, have given me.

The Israelites are called upon to recall and tell the story of their people – the story of their ancestors. By uttering these words the Israelites locate themselves in the past, casting themselves as living links in a holy chain stretching back generations.

There has been much research that shows that it is emotionally healthy to know where we come from and that connections to friends, family, and community are an essential part of living a happy, healthy life and responding to life’s challenges with resilience.

One example is the work by psychologists Marshal Duke and Robin Fivush. Summing up his research, Duke said that ‘children who are the most resilient and have the highest self-esteem have what he and Fivush call a strong intergenerational self‘. They are aware that they are part of something larger than they are. And the stories of the Jewish people, both mythic and historical, can function much like these family stories.

As we rush through our busy lives, we should find time to pause, appreciate the bounty in our lives, and remember where we came from. Sharing the stories of our families and our people reminds us that if we look beyond the edges of our lifespans, we see that we are not just drifting through time, but that each of us is a precious word in a beautiful, ever-unfolding story. “